Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Part I: From a Squiggle to a Square -- The Struggle

Let me be the first to admit to you... I don't have it all together. Ever since I was little I've been more of a clutter collector than an organizer. When it comes to personality types I am much more a squiggle than a square, and it has spilled over into every aspect of my life. My husband on the other hand is much more a square and much less a squiggle. This "minor" difference between the two of us is a pressure point in our relationship. My piles of "organized clutter" stress him out and his need for "a place for everything and everything in it's place" makes me feel confined and boxed in.

My walk with God as brought me to a point in my life that I need to live for my God, not for myself, and be a "helper suitable", as some circles would say, to my husband. I hope that by writing about my journey, and undoubtedly my struggle, I can connect with others who are going through the same thing and be an encouragement to those who feel as alone as me in this walk.

My Place in My Home: A wife's responsibility

I am a wife and with that comes the responsibilities of being a wife. In my home, my responsibility as the wife is to be my husband's help mate. That manefests itself in so many different ways in my relationship but ultimately it means that when my husband, Rob, needs help, I'm supposed to be there to provide it. This doesn't mean I'm walked on or that he has it easy because I do everything for him, it means that we are supposed to function as extentions of each other instead of independantly of one another. We are supposed to be a team and we are supposed to be more efficient that way.

Now, look at those words "supposed to." Yes they are in there for a reason. The reason is, a lot of times I am not fulfilling my end of keeping my home a retreat for my husband. Instead it is like a war zone to him. How could I expect him to function his best as a father and husband when the first thing he comes home to is, in his mind, chaos?

This has caused many an argument between the two of us. I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can and it is never good enough for him. I clean what looks like it needs cleaning (and that is everything) and at the end of the day, things still look cluttered. I get discouraged, burned out, and give up. After things get worse, I try again, get discouraged and burned out again and give up -- again. That's my cycle. It has been for years. And for the longest time I couldn't break loose of it.

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